So according to this article on Kotaku, the PSN will likely be down until May 31st (otherwise known as “a week before E3” - when they were probably going to release a new system update anyway).

It’s pretty shocking that the network is going to be down for that long (six weeks is a long time in the gaming world), but you know what’s more shocking? This weird response that people are having to it.

Now, let’s just get one thing straight. I’m not talking about normal people having a weird reaction. That I’d accept. I’m also totally fine with people freaking out about their information being stolen - that’s not cool, but what I’m talking about is GAMERS having a weird reaction to their system suddenly being an offline only console.

I don’t know about these scrotes, but I went through basically the first 18 YEARS of my life NOT playing games online - mainly because that pretty much DIDN’T EXIST before I was 12. And to be honest, that’s the way I prefer my gaming experience.

Not to sound like a grandpa (though I DO LOVE sounding like a grandpa), but BACK IN MY DAY you invited a friend over and put the cartridge (which was finished when it got to you or else it had bugs that would be with it forever!) in the system, and sometimes you’d get this pink flashing on the screen, and sometimes you’d have to take the cartridge back out and blow in it, and SOMETIMES it’d work! If it didn’t, you played basketball in the driveway or threw rocks at passing cars.

THAT was gaming with friends.

This new thing? This network that these crazy gamers cling to like it’s the antidote to this poison we all call life? What the fuck is THAT?

Here’s the online experience, kids:

Pro

I can play with my friends when they’re not right next to me. If I can’t rip your spinal cord out of your throat when you’re right next to me, I guess that will have to do.

Pro

I can download old games or more casual games that might not see a full disc release. Get your Xenogears on, kids.

Pro

(Okay, it’s not on PSN, but…) On XBox Live, there are independent game developers making games for the console. So I can make my own games for a system I own. That’s pretty cool.

Okay, now the cons…

Con

I can play with douchebags I’ve never met who shout racial and homophobic slurs at me while blowing my brains out and then “T-bagging” me (possibly the most homo-erotic act in gaming ever).

Con

My games aren’t fully debugged anymore because companies KNOW they can just leave issues in and gamers now EXPECT patches. Barf.

Con

My games aren’t finished because there will be DLC later, forever extending a game that should have been a singular experience to only be later extended by A PROPER SEQUEL, not a BONUS LEVEL AND COSTUME PACK.

Con

I don’t really even own my system or my games. I lease them. Whenever the company decides to change the firmware, it’s up to me whether I want my system to continue being a system that plays new games or if it wants to be a system that played everything perfectly before date XX/XX/XX. Also if my hardware dies and I have to buy a new system, some of that data might not carry over - including my downloaded games and content!

Con

Achieving something in a game is now denoted by a trophy or a badge or some other nonsense. That’s right, good for you, you awesome, crazy gamer, you did that thing that someone SPECIFICALLY PROGRAMMED INTO THE GAME SO THAT YOU COULD DO IT. You know what we used to call that? PLAYING THE GAME. Getting any achievement just shows that you did the POSSIBLE. Actually achieving something in a game is when you make your friends go “Holy shit, how’d you do that!?” not “Oh cool, you figured it out.” Also, a trophy for turning on the game? Bite me.

Con

CON CON CON CON CON CON

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvrI3wy_TGk

So what do I say to this network outage?

Have you ever seen the end of The Cable Guy (SPOILER!)? When the cable goes out all over town and everyone is just sitting there not knowing what to do and then one guy looks at an end table, sees a book, picks it up, and starts reading?

I’m not saying you have to go read, God forbid, but maybe play a good OFFLINE game? Portal 2 has an awesome single-player mode in my opinion, Heavy Rain is also a really fun single-player experience, and for now you can practice your MK9 skills so that when the network DOES come back up you’ll destroy everything in sight.

Or you could, you know… Make friends in real life… Cough.

But you know what’s not a good use of your time? Freaking out or being sad that the network is just down for now. Because honestly, who cares? This whole thing just proves that online gaming should be a FEATURE of a good game and NOT the basis for one.

So the PSN might be down until May 31st.

In the immortal words of James Hetfield: “So fucking what?”