Ho. Lee. Shit.

Let me just say that before I played Exit DS, I had always heard that it was sort of a clunker. Just a bad game. I never really got a great reason why, but no matter who I spoke to, the review remained the same: Bleh.

So after listening to gamer after gamer, I finally sat down to play it myself; my findings were surprising in many ways.

Exit DS is the tale of Mr. Escape (or Mr. Esc). He is a professional escape artist who makes it his goal to get everyone who calls upon him out of danger and harm’s way. Though it’s basically 2-D, the game is very stylized and I have to admit that I dig it.

In fact…

At first I was sort of in shock. I mean, this game wasn’t just okay - it was cool! Here I was enjoying myself. The vague complaints I had heard about the control scheme was easily solved by going to the options menu and selecting controls. In fact, I was amazed to find that Exit DS is one of those rare DS titles that lets you say “Fuck you, stylus.” and control the game completely using the directional pad and buttons - AWESOME!

I really liked the music and the puzzles? They were great! It took some getting used to, to understand all of the rules for which escapees could do what, but after that…

After that…

After… That…

What the fuck is this!? WHAT… IS… THIS!?!

Slowly, but surely…the problems started to present themselves.

The game explains all of the “rules” of which escapees can do what to help you all escape, but eventually there are so many rules and sometimes they just expect you to get it without telling you. That means, you’re almost guaranteed to screw up a puzzle once or twice before getting it. Not because you don’t understand the game, but because you literally have no way of knowing what a puzzle piece will do. They’re punishing the player for being forced to guess. Boo. Just boo.

Then there’s the control scheme. Although I HIGHLY recommend NOT using the stylus controls, the game still has some pretty terrible control mechanics. On more than one occasion, I told a character to run up the stairs and instead of walking up the stairs as directed, he ran straight into a roaring fire. However, when I told that same character to walk up a flight of blocks, he would occasionally stare at a block that he could totally step over and shout “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE” at me, until I manually forced him to take them one at a time. 

FUCK.

The characters yell at you. They each have one line which they  repeatedly scream at you until you come and save them. Now, let’s think about this, it makes sense. They’re in trouble. You need to know where they are, sure. But to have several NPCs screaming at the player (each shouting their ONE line over and over) until they are saved? The result is a player who doesn’t want to save anyone:

“…And all the [large adults] and [dogs] will look up and shout ‘Save us!’… and I’ll look down and whisper ‘No.’”

Full disclosure: More than once I ran someone into a fire or off a ledge or crushed them with an elevator on purpose. They deserved it.

Anyway, none of this would be so bad except that there are no checkpoints - anywhere. So any and every time that you make the smallest mistake, you usually have to start all over. And let’s be absolutely clear, some of these puzzles can last for close to ten minutes and have around 70 steps to them - each one affording you the chance to fuck up and have a small stroke. This all makes a puzzle game that should be fun and casual, a living nightmare.

Finally the lies. Oh, the lies.

Exit has 100 puzzles. At first. But after a while, you may notice (as I did) a tiny arrow in the lower right of the level select menu. You see…around the time that you think you’re almost done, you will have earned enough points to reveal…FIFTY MORE LEVELS. That’s right. So you thought you were 100% done, but you still have another THIRD left to go. And the puzzles DO NOT GET EASIER.

By the end of the game, the only solace is that eventually they introduce these really cool aliens that can turn into blocks, but you have to save them too and they get just as annoying as everyone else.

After it’s all said and done, there is no ending that I could find. After over twenty hours of playing this thing, there was NO ENDING. The only credits that you can watch are the same credits that are always available from the options menu (Or at least are definitely available after 100 levels, so maybe you should just stop there).

Did I say “watch”? I meant “PLAY”! That’s right, the CREDITS are a LEVEL. And yes, you can lose that level and have to start over. God damnit… -_-

In the end, I still think that Exit DS is fun, and if you’re a casual puzzle gamer who’s looking for a lot of game for his dollar, then seriously: BUY THIS. You’ll get hours and hours of puzzles and they’re pretty satisfying - when they’re not driving you insane. But if you’re the kind of person who likes to beat the games they’re playing before moving on… Exit DS is like a childhood friend who won’t go home after spending the whole weekend at your house. In short: “Fuck you, Exit DS. Get your own Frosted Flakes!”

Sixty-two to go.