Sorry, buddy. I couldn’t resist when I saw it. Hahaha.
Please don’t play this game.
If I can offer you one piece of gaming advice, let it be that. Please. Please do not, under any circumstances, play this game. It will only hurt you.
This game is just horrible. The story is flimsy at best (and it comes from one of my FAVORITE books), the level music is repetitive and awful (every level gets about 14 seconds which then loops endlessly), the enemies are impossible at times (the beginning of the game is ATROCIOUS), the level design is HORRIBLE, the graphics (though passing for 2001) look so terrible now, and the game mechanics (both jumping and - somehow even worse - swimming) are probably among the worst I’ve seen in any game.
I’ll say it again.
PLEASE. NEVER. PLAY. THIS. GAME.
After hours of torturous, rage-inducing gameplay, the final levels and boss were probably the easiest in the entire game. The ending sequence made no sense and there was nothing interesting to the credits at all. I was supposed to play Alice: Madness Returns right after this, but I don’t think I can stand the possibility that the sequel to this game is just as horrible.
Trust me, I could write a lot more - for instance how there’s no checkpoint system except for completing an entire level and if you want anything better you have to quicksave through the WHOLE game - but it’s simply not worth putting into more than four words:
Don’t. Play. This. Game.
Oh yeah. Sixty-one. Woof.
Let’s be clear…
I hear people who aren’t in the gaming industry talk a lot about gaming piracy both on websites and in conversation and, well, here’s what I think.
Champion of Gaming Industry: PIRACY IS WRONG!
Me: Okay. Sure. Why though?
CGI: Because it takes money away from gaming companies! Duh!
Me: Okay, but actually there isn’t really any proof that the people who pirated those games would pay for them, is there? And besides, game companies make tons of money every year. Look at games like World of Warcraft or Call of Duty. They sell millions of copies and make millions more in subscription fees.
CGI: You are only talking about big game companies! What about small game companies?
Me: Oh! Okay, small game companies. I guess that’s true. It is definitely harder for small game companies, but what about Braid, or Super Meat Boy, or Bastion. Those were all made by small companies (very small) who put together an excellent product and marketed it well, and are still in business because of it. Piracy didn’t kill them.
CGI: Uuuuuuh…
Me: Let me ask you something. Do you buy games used?
CGI: Yeah, sometimes.
Me: You know that videogame companies don’t get money for those copies you bought, right?
CGI: Zuh?
Me: Game companies make no money off of re-sold games. If you buy a game from Gamestop or another used game store, the company that made that game is not going to get any part of that profit. Gamestop may choose to buy from that company again because of the potential high resale value for the games that company makes, but the actual company that made the game won’t see a dime. In essence, you just bought that game without paying the company who made it. Isn’t that like stealing?
CGI: But I paid for it! I’m part of the economic process. A transaction was made and like you said, Gamestop will probably buy more from that company in the future.
Me: Yeah, probably, but they don’t have to. And there’s really no telling if they will or not. Also, that’s in the future. Speaking of the future. Do you ever wait for a game to go on sale? Like when games go on Amazon Gold Box or things like Black Friday or Clearance?
CGI: Yeah, I got this one game for like 3.99 at Best Buy during the holidays!.
Me: And what was the MSRP?
CGI: Like 59.99. Such a good deal!
Me: And how long ago did that game come out?
CGI: Like a year ago, but whatever. It’s still a great game and I got an awesome deal.
Me: Awww, bummer, dude.
CGI: What do you mean? I just said, it’s a great game and I got an awesome deal. How is that a bad thing?
Me: Hate to break it to you, but… See, when that game came out, it didn’t make any money - even though it’s a “great game,” like you said. And because it made next to no money for the first year that it came out (due to people selling it used and people being unwilling to pay full price) the publisher considered the game a failure and closed the studio that made it. The entire development team was left unemployed, but some of those people were lucky enough to get jobs at other game companies and a few are even making this new game. It looks great.
CGI: Awesome. How much is it?
Me: 59.99.
CGI: I’ll just wait or get it used.
Me: Or just pirate it, if that’s your attitude.
CGI: That’s stealing!
Me: To be honest, used game sales probably hurt the gaming industry more than piracy.
CGI: How do you mean?
Me: Used games are bought by people like yourself. People who don’t want to pay full price, but also don’t want to steal a game. If used game stores didn’t exist, those people who buy used games wouldn’t steal, they’d probably just wait for the game to be on discount (which would still give companies more money than used games do - which, remember, is none).
CGI: That’s stupid. You can’t just say that if used game stores didn’t exist, people would buy more games new!
Me: But people like you can say that if piracy didn’t exist, people would buy more games?
CGI: …
Me: The fact is that used game retailers are the only ones who make money off of those used game sales. If piracy didn’t exist and all of the people who pirated bought used games instead, the industry would NOT be better off at all. They’d be making no money - ever. However, if those used stores didn’t exist and people had to buy new copies of a game, the gaming industry WOULD make more money because any and ALL sales would be new sales. Besides, there would probably be a lot more GOOD discounts at retail stores. Without needing to compete with used game sales, one publisher could actively work with a retailer to lower the price of its titles to compete with another publisher’s titles (knowing that they would still make money on every copy sold). So you, the consumer, would get a new game (i.e. No scratches, new game smell, pretty pretty pretty, mine mine mine) for as cheap as they go used at Gamestop (scratched up, smelling like something, name scrawled across it in Sharpie, with a pube in the case). You might even get it for less.
CGI: …
Me: Essentially, what I’m saying is that people who steal, probably weren’t going to buy. They’re actively doing nothing to the gaming industry. They’re not helping anyone (obviously), but they’re not really tangibly hurting the industry either. People who buy used? They’re actively feeding a market that is in direct COMPETITION with the gaming industry.
CGI: But…Piracy is stealing! Stealing is wrong!
Me: Fine. Whatever. Ps. You know you just sped through that red light, dude. Right?
CGI: It was barely red when I was in the intersection and I’m only going 37.
Me: My bad.
The point is, if you’re buying games used and the reason you don’t like piracy is because it “takes money from game studios,” please shut up. I’ve worked in the industry for years. I’ve been with a dev team when they were shut down. I buy my company’s games new. I buy other companies’ games new. I try to support and showcase small indie games when I hear about them by telling others and encouraging them to buy. I also buy some games used. I also buy some games on sale. I frequent CheapAssGamer and Amazon Warehouse Deals and love them both. And when I was a kid, I had a modded PSOne that I used to play burned “backups” along with purchased games. Then I grew up and helped Sony launch the PS3, which I then bought at full price.
Piracy isn’t great. Agreed. But if you really want to help game companies, get out there and do it, but yelling at and judging people doesn’t help anyone in my industry. Especially if what you do is not much better.
Ho. Lee. Shit.
Let me just say that before I played Exit DS, I had always heard that it was sort of a clunker. Just a bad game. I never really got a great reason why, but no matter who I spoke to, the review remained the same: Bleh.
So after listening to gamer after gamer, I finally sat down to play it myself; my findings were surprising in many ways.
Exit DS is the tale of Mr. Escape (or Mr. Esc). He is a professional escape artist who makes it his goal to get everyone who calls upon him out of danger and harm’s way. Though it’s basically 2-D, the game is very stylized and I have to admit that I dig it.
In fact…
At first I was sort of in shock. I mean, this game wasn’t just okay - it was cool! Here I was enjoying myself. The vague complaints I had heard about the control scheme was easily solved by going to the options menu and selecting controls. In fact, I was amazed to find that Exit DS is one of those rare DS titles that lets you say “Fuck you, stylus.” and control the game completely using the directional pad and buttons - AWESOME!
I really liked the music and the puzzles? They were great! It took some getting used to, to understand all of the rules for which escapees could do what, but after that…
After that…
After… That…
What the fuck is this!? WHAT… IS… THIS!?!
Slowly, but surely…the problems started to present themselves.
The game explains all of the “rules” of which escapees can do what to help you all escape, but eventually there are so many rules and sometimes they just expect you to get it without telling you. That means, you’re almost guaranteed to screw up a puzzle once or twice before getting it. Not because you don’t understand the game, but because you literally have no way of knowing what a puzzle piece will do. They’re punishing the player for being forced to guess. Boo. Just boo.
Then there’s the control scheme. Although I HIGHLY recommend NOT using the stylus controls, the game still has some pretty terrible control mechanics. On more than one occasion, I told a character to run up the stairs and instead of walking up the stairs as directed, he ran straight into a roaring fire. However, when I told that same character to walk up a flight of blocks, he would occasionally stare at a block that he could totally step over and shout “THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE” at me, until I manually forced him to take them one at a time.
FUCK.
The characters yell at you. They each have one line which they repeatedly scream at you until you come and save them. Now, let’s think about this, it makes sense. They’re in trouble. You need to know where they are, sure. But to have several NPCs screaming at the player (each shouting their ONE line over and over) until they are saved? The result is a player who doesn’t want to save anyone:
“…And all the [large adults] and [dogs] will look up and shout ‘Save us!’… and I’ll look down and whisper ‘No.’”
Full disclosure: More than once I ran someone into a fire or off a ledge or crushed them with an elevator on purpose. They deserved it.
Anyway, none of this would be so bad except that there are no checkpoints - anywhere. So any and every time that you make the smallest mistake, you usually have to start all over. And let’s be absolutely clear, some of these puzzles can last for close to ten minutes and have around 70 steps to them - each one affording you the chance to fuck up and have a small stroke. This all makes a puzzle game that should be fun and casual, a living nightmare.
Finally the lies. Oh, the lies.
Exit has 100 puzzles. At first. But after a while, you may notice (as I did) a tiny arrow in the lower right of the level select menu. You see…around the time that you think you’re almost done, you will have earned enough points to reveal…FIFTY MORE LEVELS. That’s right. So you thought you were 100% done, but you still have another THIRD left to go. And the puzzles DO NOT GET EASIER.
By the end of the game, the only solace is that eventually they introduce these really cool aliens that can turn into blocks, but you have to save them too and they get just as annoying as everyone else.
After it’s all said and done, there is no ending that I could find. After over twenty hours of playing this thing, there was NO ENDING. The only credits that you can watch are the same credits that are always available from the options menu (Or at least are definitely available after 100 levels, so maybe you should just stop there).
Did I say “watch”? I meant “PLAY”! That’s right, the CREDITS are a LEVEL. And yes, you can lose that level and have to start over. God damnit… -_-
In the end, I still think that Exit DS is fun, and if you’re a casual puzzle gamer who’s looking for a lot of game for his dollar, then seriously: BUY THIS. You’ll get hours and hours of puzzles and they’re pretty satisfying - when they’re not driving you insane. But if you’re the kind of person who likes to beat the games they’re playing before moving on… Exit DS is like a childhood friend who won’t go home after spending the whole weekend at your house. In short: “Fuck you, Exit DS. Get your own Frosted Flakes!”
Sixty-two to go.
NO JOKE.
I have been bestowed with one of the most insane honors of my life by The City of Austin…
February 9, 2012 will be proclaimed “Shakey Graves Day” in Austin, Texas by the Austin Mayor.
I am scheduled to perform a song in the council chambers at City Hall at approximately 5:30…
Holy shit this is awesome! YES YES YES!
I’ll be drinking bathtub gin and screaming at the moon. SEE YA THEN!
Four down. Sixty-three left! Goodbye, Metroid. Good. Bye.
Maybe I set myself up for disaster having played three fairly simple games and following it up with a notoriously difficult title like Metroid, but let me say this: Most parents warn their kids about the dangers of teen pregnancy and drug use. I will warn mine about playing Metroid without a map or a walkthrough. It only leads to pain and agony.
Maybe the game was stretched on my TV, maybe that’s why the jumping mechanics were horrible. Maybe the Wii remote just had problems communicating wirelessly and that’s why my shots were delayed and I couldn’t jump out of like half of the lava I jumped into. Maybe… Okay, let’s get real.
It’s probably some big gaming crime to say this, but here it goes: I REALLY didn’t enjoy this game. In fact, I thought it was one of the worse NES titles I’ve played.
The game handles like a wet fish and that’s something you never want in a platformer. You can blame it’s age, but you won’t get by me. Mario and Mega Man easily kick this game’s ass for jumping and landing where you intend, so I’m sorry, that “climbing shaft from hell” in the game is one of the most awful things I’ve ever encountered.
The non-linear nature is interesting, but you have literally NOTHING to go on for most of it, and even though that was interesting for the first oh…three or four hours? I eventually said “Fuck this” and grabbed a walkthrough. When THAT wasn’t enough, I just looked up a map of the entire game and played it that way. And then, even with ALL OF THAT, this was still hands down one of the hardest games I’ve ever played.
Maybe some day when I’m feeling like I haven’t been hit in the nuts for several hours in a row, I’ll pick it up again and try to play it from memory, but I can’t imagine trying to beat this game for the first time and using nothing to help you. It would take you days and not days of fun, days of utter torture. Even if you sat down and made maps while you played, there are so many fake walls and fake floors - it’s just insane.
No, dear friends, it’s safe to say that while I’m glad I played it (on…some…level I’m sure that’s true). I don’t think I would play it again. At least not for a very, very long time.
63 left. Awesome or bust.
